Everybody Draw Mohammad Day

The Greeks Should Have Totally Seen This Coming

We all know that God controls the universe and holds a high stake in the comings and goings of the people on Earth. And he seems particularly concerned with the comings. Which is why the Greeks should have totally seen the collapse of their economy approaching.

The Greeks have a lot that they can be proud of. They invented democracy, western philosophy, political science, Tiffany Amber-Thiessen and the Olympic Games. They developed profound literature, mathematical principles, and the dramatic arts. But perhaps one Greek invention above all others caught God’s eye – butt sex.

Yes, the Greeks are known for their appreciation of the anal arts, and God has never been a fan. Being the clever, patient, and omnipotent being that He is, God has waited until now to unleash His vengeance on the Greek people. The Roman Conquering, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, no previous tragedy has hurt those lascivious Greeks more than cutting their social programs. God has brought them to their knees, clamoring to please Him.

The rest of the world must take note! Thousands of years are only minutes to God. He can wait to wreak his wrath on you. Hundreds, possibly thousands, of years may go by, until everyone has forgotten about how the non-procreative sex they have been having makes God hot under the collar, and then He will strike with economic disaster.

Beware, all ye who like the butt sex. Beware, because God will not hesitate to fuck you like you've never been fucked before. By taking away your social programs.

Wait...what?

Muhammad Monday!

WOOT! Its Muhammad Monday here at Jeez-Its and I think this week we finally found an accurate image of The Holy Prophet.

Thanks to WDeWitt at Cafe Press for this perfectly porcine image. http://www.cafepress.com/+pig_in_a_red_turban_tile_coaster,330667915

"All Teenagers are Spontaneously Homosexual,"

says a man wearing a dress and a gold lamé hat.

"We know that the adolescent is spontaneously homosexual. Boys play with boys, girls play with girls," Archbishop Dadeus Grings said. "If there is no proper guidance, this sticks. The question is - how are we going to educate our children to use a sexuality that is human and suitable?”

Archbishop Grings, known as Daddy amongst the choir and altar boys of his church, explained to a Brazilian bishops’ conference that today’s society was pedophilic due to rampant homosexuality. Our cultures are sick with child molestation because we allow Teh Gheys to have some (but not all) civil rights. Teh Gheys are everywhere and their existence is harming your child's sexual development.

But, the good bishop is not all doom and gloom. He has a plan to help us! He declares that it is up to the celibate priesthood to nurture and train those spontaneously homosexual boys and girls in the proper ways to express their sexuality. Even if the training has to go all night long and over the weekends. Even if the training takes years and years, the priests will remain dedicated. They will start training the children of their parishes as early as possible, so that the pervasive homosexual culture doesn’t have a chance to taint them.

Fear not, society at large! The Catholic Church is here to teach your children about sex and to keep them from spontaneously becoming homosexual. They love your children (long time).

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/southamerica/brazil/7686292/Brazilian-archbishop-all-teenagers-are-spontaneously-homosexual.html

Mohammad Monday

Once again, it is Mohammad Monday here at Jeez-Its. This time I am sure that we've found him.

Silly Kitty,

Steeples aren't for noms; Jesus is for noms!

Tim Minchin

is a Jeez-Its Super Star.



He's calling it like he sees it. Sure, he's using naughty language to convey his feelings and opinions on the Catholic Church Sexual Abuse Scandal, and the Pope specifically, but what the Church has done is extremely naughty so they shouldn't be offended by a couple of well-earned expletives.

It's Muhammad Monday, Y'all!

Yes, yes this is definitely the prophet Muhammad.

"You have heard the blasphemy. What do you think?"

Mark 14:64


The Washington Post asked in their On Faith section on April 22nd “South Park: comedy or blasphemy?” But why does the WaPo think insist on creating this false dilemma, when blasphemy is often pretty GOD DAMN funny?

Comedy is invaluable in its ability to influence thought and discourse, to make people look more closely and think more deeply about themselves and the world. It reminds us not to take everything so GOD DAMN seriously. Because the idea that alien souls inhabit our bodies, or that our grand parents may come back to life as dung beetles, or that Jesus perpetually turns himself into crackers to be cannibalized, well...these ideas are worth a closer look, aren't they?

And, historically, the best way to inspire a nation to look closer at something is to point out how GOD DAMN retarded it is. Comedy Central knows this (see: The Daily Show) and used to encourage South Park in their efforts to stir controversies.

Now they're censoring themselves vigorously to appease a minority of people with a colossal stick crammed up their extremist asses.

Because at Comedy Central, the demands of religious extremism are more important than the integrity of their content, or the desires of their viewers.

But at Jeez-Its? Radical Islam and Muhammad can go fuck themselves.

Here is Muhammad in his pretty, pretty dress.

Jeez-Its HATES MGMT!

Jeez-Its suffered through MGMT's "performances" as "musical" guest on SNL and left this for them on their website. The power of Christ compelled us. We don't even believe in Hell, but if you like these fuckers you're going to Hell. And we will help you find it.

TRANSCRIPTION:

HERE IS A QUESTION: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALIVE? THERE IS A SHOW ABOUT YOU ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL AND IT IS CALLED, "I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE". THAT'S YOUR FUCKING LIFE STORY. YOU ARE THE RIGHT WING'S WORST NIGHTMARE: THE IRON-CLAD ARGUMENT FOR WHY ABORTION IS FUCKING NECESSARY. I JUST WATCHED YOU "PERFORM" ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH YOUR IRONIC FUCKING BUDDY HOLLY GLASSES AND BOW TIE AND THRIFT STORE CLOTHES. I COULD SMELL THE PABST BLUE RIBBON DRIPPING DOWN YOUR INSIPID LITTLE SCENESTER THROATS. SERIOUSLY. YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST GOD DAMN BAND ON THE PLANET. I WAS TRYING TO THINK OF A WORSE SNL MUSICAL GUEST AND GOT STUCK ON VAMPIRE WEEKEND. REALLY, YOU GUYS ARE WORSE. BANGING YOUR INSTRUMENTS AND NAME-DROPPING BRIAN ENO IS ABOUT AS COOL AS FUCKING RECTAL CANCER. AT THE SAME TIME, BETWEEN YOU AND VAMPIRE WEEKEND, IT'S LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE IN REVERSE -- YOU BOTH SHOULD DIE. SOPHIE SHOULD KICK YOU TO THE GROUND AND THEN PISS ON YOU AND THEN LIGHT YOU ON FIRE. FUCKING LAUGH ABOUT IT. BECAUSE YOU SUCK THAT BAD. JESUS COULD WALK BY WITH A FUCKING FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND THEN BE LIKE "WELL, ISN'T THAT THAT BAND FROM SNL? I MEAN, COME ON." AND KEEP FUCKING WALKING. I WANT TO KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT. BUT FIRST I'D TAKE OFF THE FAGGY BOW TIE YOU FUCKING...FUCK!!!!!!1111

Jeez-Its Alchemical Experiments . . .

. . . remain inconclusive.

With The Power of Flame

This clip may not last long on the interwebs, so we at Jeez-Its are doing our part to support free speech and the ridiculing of religious figures by embedding this classic South Park clip. As of this posting, this episode from 2001, as well as Episode 201 that was censoriously aired on 4/21/2010 have been removed from the web due to Islamic terrorist threats.

Help us spread this clip far and wide so that Comedy Central and Viacom can never hope to eliminate them all.

Are We Using the Royal We?

So when the Pope says that “we Christians” need to repent, do you suppose he’s using the Royal “We” to keep the heat off of his own holy hinny?

The Pope said in his homily on Thursday, “I must say, we Christians, even in recent times, have often avoided the word 'repent', which seemed too tough. But now under attack from the world, which has been telling us about our sins ... we realize that it's necessary to repent, in other words, recognize what is wrong in our lives.”

And Ratzy’s right, “repent” is a tough word. It connotes the admission of guilt and responsibility for one’s actions, to be penitent and strive to change one’s ways. Wait . . . what? Apparently that’s not correct. Because the Pope says that repent means to “recognize what is wrong in our lives.”

Furthermore, the Pope isn’t as worried about contrition as he is about opening “ourselves to forgiveness” and “divine mercy.” But just in case forgiveness is slow in coming, he’s written himself (and presumably all of Christianity for which he speaks) an insurance policy. On the Vatican website, he claimed that there was a long-standing church policy to report abuse to civilian authorities to pursue according to the local laws. This is in direct contradiction with an earlier papal letter that was revealed last year that threatened excommunication to any priest that attempted to report child abuse to the police.

Presumably, it was Pope Benedict’s “repentance” that spurred this latest incidence of attempted revision of history. He finally recognized how guilty he was and decided to write himself out of responsibility for his voluminous crimes.

We are not amused.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36554197/ns/world_news-world_faith/

Two Words . . .

Jesus Penis



















Thanks to Dan Savage for this little gem.

Jesus Was Made of Crackers?

South Park brilliantly explores the impeccable logic of Communion.



No, no, no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then...told people to eat him.

"But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it." Genesis 9:4

So Jeez-Its are safe, but we've received no official word on mixing with Communal wine.

Apparently it is luck of the draw as to which delicious cut you consume when you ingest a Jeez-It. We always prefer to think we're nomming on one of Jesus' savory rump flaps.

Jewz-Its?

So Retired Bishop, Giacomo Babini is pointing his bony, diddling finger at the Jews for orchestrating the pedophilia scandal against the Catholic Church.

And, of course, for killing his Lord and Savior.

Calling the Jews “God-killers” is an old and tired saw that members of the Holy and Apostolic Church have been wringing their filthy hands over for centuries. Frankly, if the Jews are able to kill God, doesn’t that make them more powerful than the God, and therefore Gods themselves? Oy!

Well, my mother used to always say, if you don’t like the Jews, don’t go around claiming they are powerful enough to kill your god and frame you for raping little boys.

Instead of hating the Jews, why not bring them on board?

Jewz-Its!

With a united Jewish/Catholic front, those crazy pantywaist Protestants and Muslim animals won’t stand a chance. Together, you can rule the hearts, minds, and tender young buttocks of the world.

Vatican Responds to Sexual Abuse Allegations!

The Vatican has published a website, which contains a lengthy response to allegations that they can't keep their appendages away from little boys. To spare you several agonizing hours of reading, we at Jeez-Its have summarized their response as such:

But I Say to You That He Who Looks at a Jeez-It With Lust

Has already committed adultery with it in his heart.

ET loves Jeez-Its Pieces!!!

PZ Myers Devours Jesus

Jeez-Its hero, PZ Myers, devours Jesus with a touch of vegemite . . . delish!

A Player Cannot Be Crowned the Winner

Unless he competes according to the rules of Jeezits Backgammon.

The Stone that the Builder Refused Has Become the Cornerstone (of this stool).

And Jeez-Its said unto it, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and wobble no more.

This is My Body, Broken For Poo

"Take and pee in remembrance of me."